I feel so disconnected from life, from well, everything.....it is so difficult for me to say and admit this when I have been on the verge of suicide in the past. Reaching that bottom at any time in life is devastating and it never leaves you! You can not forget the day you plead with that higher entity to show you that you are worth living and that there is a purpose to you existing, even if you don't have a clue what that purpose is just yet.
I am not suicidal, so feeling this way is confusing and overwhelming.....I don't feel depressed, which is a positive but why then can't I relate and connect with others and feel like they get me, that without question can know my thought process and almost predict my emotional response to any given life situation? I am certainly asking far too much and holding them to unachievable expectations, the result is that every conceivable connection is broken or weakened before I even engage in a conversation. Since I am aware and certainly have the wisdom to recognize the problem why do I keep this boundary or invisible shield around myself and not allow others a chance to really see me without that shield? If they can't get a first glimpse into my inner being, any future interactions can be superficial and without any depth. This repeated behavior ultimately blocks any purpose driven physical and/or emotional responses toward you in all situations.
How do I stop this corrosive self destruction? I have such low self esteem and self worth that its difficult to put myself out there to begin with, although through online social gatherings like facebook, it is easier to take a chance with less risk of being hurt. Speaking of being hurt, I honestly believe it is my initial and most underlying deficit followed by the fear of trusting the unknown! I guess that it is pretty normal to have some reservations in forming relationships but without love, faith and trust you have nothing to build upon that is sturdy enough to withstand the storms of life!
Talking with a dear friend, sister in Christ's love, I realized that I don't trust myself to form these relationships because I have screwed up so often in my past. It is so difficult hearing these words and typing them, I am to blame for this disconnection and aloneness I feel and honestly have become quite comfortable; not taking a risk on others is my way of protecting myself against making bad decisions and maintaining a status quo or harmony within, remaining safe at all times.
In my past, defense mechanisms were my saving Grace, assisting me to remain protected from those who may hurt me, so falling back on that should not be surprising. I am a different person in so many ways and don't want to miss things especially when they can encourage or motivate me to grow in my Faith or in relationships. I don't want to be stuck......who would? I still have an innate need to be better, to learn things, adapt to my existing and ever changing environment through knowledge and ability, to be touched intimately and be accepted for who I am now, not rejected for not being the old me!!
I am not suicidal, so feeling this way is confusing and overwhelming.....I don't feel depressed, which is a positive but why then can't I relate and connect with others and feel like they get me, that without question can know my thought process and almost predict my emotional response to any given life situation? I am certainly asking far too much and holding them to unachievable expectations, the result is that every conceivable connection is broken or weakened before I even engage in a conversation. Since I am aware and certainly have the wisdom to recognize the problem why do I keep this boundary or invisible shield around myself and not allow others a chance to really see me without that shield? If they can't get a first glimpse into my inner being, any future interactions can be superficial and without any depth. This repeated behavior ultimately blocks any purpose driven physical and/or emotional responses toward you in all situations.
How do I stop this corrosive self destruction? I have such low self esteem and self worth that its difficult to put myself out there to begin with, although through online social gatherings like facebook, it is easier to take a chance with less risk of being hurt. Speaking of being hurt, I honestly believe it is my initial and most underlying deficit followed by the fear of trusting the unknown! I guess that it is pretty normal to have some reservations in forming relationships but without love, faith and trust you have nothing to build upon that is sturdy enough to withstand the storms of life!
Talking with a dear friend, sister in Christ's love, I realized that I don't trust myself to form these relationships because I have screwed up so often in my past. It is so difficult hearing these words and typing them, I am to blame for this disconnection and aloneness I feel and honestly have become quite comfortable; not taking a risk on others is my way of protecting myself against making bad decisions and maintaining a status quo or harmony within, remaining safe at all times.
In my past, defense mechanisms were my saving Grace, assisting me to remain protected from those who may hurt me, so falling back on that should not be surprising. I am a different person in so many ways and don't want to miss things especially when they can encourage or motivate me to grow in my Faith or in relationships. I don't want to be stuck......who would? I still have an innate need to be better, to learn things, adapt to my existing and ever changing environment through knowledge and ability, to be touched intimately and be accepted for who I am now, not rejected for not being the old me!!
The truth is I just need to be understood and loved unconditionally! I fear being hurt so extensively by others, that I am literally paralyzed socially. I know I am the only one who can change the recurrent disconnect but it can't change the fact that all my life I have been hurt, rejected, made fun of, exploited, and treated differently because of physical attributes and later in life due to a disability; low self esteem and self worth was the result and started initially by mean kids, not just girls! I deserve respect but never ever had any inkling to get revenge! Not all socially inept individuals are capable of retaliating or want to if they could........so please stop judging, instead smile, say hi, offer your friendship, stand up for someone being persecuted, and stop the discrimination and bullying in every stage of life and age......it happens everywhere!!!!
Although my true life story continues moving forward each and every day, my thoughts and prayers tend to gravitate, mainly focusing on those who are like myself, in similar situations, who just really need to be excepted socially by someone who can change their self image positively forever!
My Dear little sister I have known for sometime now that this was part of the problem. I just wanted you to realize it yourself.
ReplyDeleteIn life that is the only way we grow and learn is to realize what mistakes we have made and work on moving forward's.
You have been hurt a lot in life and went through so very much. I understand the fear of getting close to others that you are afraid you will lose them in the long run.
But hun if you never take the chance you will never know.
Look we would not be where we are if you had not of accepted my friendship and took a chance. Now here we are almost 4 years later more connected to each other than anyone else in either of our lifes.
You deserve to be happy Denise, you deserve friendships that are close.
I know from experience that bullying can kill your spirit. But now your grown and don't have to take that anymore. We can stand up for ourselves and I always have your back.
So give things a chance, Now that you know what the problem is you can work on it. Trust yourself.
And most important Love Yourself. After all we both know Love is the greatest Gift of all.
I Love you so much sweet little sister.
ME 2 (Viv)
Have you lost your last brain cell, or did you get abducted by aliens and have a micro chip installed that brain washed your thinking? Me trust and love myself? Viv, you know me, look in mirror picture standing, add two feet, change hair color and you got me! Do you trust and love yourself, honestly? You knew why I was disconnected because almost every day you disconnect and call me........okay I am exaggerating but you get what I am trying to say.........it is so easy to give advice and have the answers but what your comment lacked was the how to achieve the goal! I get that its my journey, and I have to figure out what will bring about change and ultimately lead to the destination of happiness, but I have never loved me and now with all this pain the me I was hoping to be is never gonna happen so I feel so defeated before I even start. Trusting me, not sure that is something I can absolutely ever believe I was confident succeeding at.......I would first have to abolish all my past mistakes, get rid of guilt I carry within, and admit that mistakes do happen and it's how we grow and learn and move forward from them not linger undecidedly full of anxiety over the change taking place! Hope you have lots of time because guess who I will dumping all this crap on? Just kidding, my blog will absorb the shock so to my readers this is your warning, beware!
DeleteLove you and if I was too harsh and sarcastic I am not sorry you held out on knowing something and blocked it from my intuitiveness! Hehehe
I am sorry you fell disconnected, you don't have to face this alone. Ive tried 3 times to answer this. Ive been having problems with my keyboard. it jumps from one line to the next. but enough of my stupid key problems.
ReplyDeleteViv said I look bad today, Ive got bags under my eyes.
just great- Ive got bags packed an somebody forgot to tell me I was going on a trip.
I don't know where my mind goes sometimes, so here is a little thought about others..
"if you cant be part of the solution--
Don't be part of the problem."
I hope I was some help! if not ???!!!!!
I got nuffin!
Ben you always succeed in making me smile, that is something not nuffin! At least I get a response from you, more then I can say for the person I said I do too almost 19 years ago........have a man chat please and tell him why it's important for him to reply to my blog posts, ok? Thanks Ben :-))))
Delete